tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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