turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
