Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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