Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
