i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
