saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
