yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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