my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
