Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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