Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
