i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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