I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
