im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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