I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
