1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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