The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
