First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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