Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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