the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
