I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
