two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
