planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
