I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
