apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
