Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
