I just threw up on my dentist
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
