Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
