Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
