soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize