i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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