I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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