i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
