I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
