Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
