i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
