if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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