Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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