i love accidental penises.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
