My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
