im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
