Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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