I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
