He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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