That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
