I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
