He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize