I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
