The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize