Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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