dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
