So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
