Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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