just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
