Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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