Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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