I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
