Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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