I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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