i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
