i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I believe in your delicious
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
last night I used snow as a chaser
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
