the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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