I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
