Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
