At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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