my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
