I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize