Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
