im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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