i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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