I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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