bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
