I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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