The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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