Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
