we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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